BBCcom_Content_Index_for_August_21_2017.txt

Relationships: I'm happily married but live in a different country from my husband

Margaret has lived in a different country from her husband for the past 15 years.

She lives in London and roleta regrashe lives in Australia. The travelling between continents means the time she and Peter see each other ranges from once a year to every 18 months.

Despite the distance and the time between visits, they remain a faithful and happy couple.

"I've made a whole set of new friends and I live in my cosy flat in London alone. So I've done all of that while still staying married, it's been a wonderful experience," she told Woman's Hour on BBC Radio 4.

Living in a different home to your partner isn't that unusual, the term even has its own acronym - LAT - to describe couples "living apart together".

But, the proportion of people married or in a civil partnership living apart is very low at 3%, according to official figures.

Margaret believes you can still have a fulfilling marriage, even when you don't share a home.

Many high-profile couples have also spoken openly about choosing to live apart.

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her writer and director husband Brad Falchuk spent the early part of their marriage in separate homes which Paltrow said helped keep the relationship fresh.

Model Ashley Graham and her husband Justin Ervin lived apart for many years in a long-distance relationship as did actor Helena Bonham Carter and director Tim Burton during their 13-year relationship.

Recently, Abbott Elementary actress Sheryl Lee Ralph revealed that she and her husband have been living on opposite coasts of the US for almost 20 years as her work requires her to live in Hollywood and her husband, as Pennsylvania's state senator, needs to be in Philadelphia.

For Margaret, life was very different 15 years ago. She lived in Australia and didn't work outside the home and looked after her four children, while her husband Peter was a full-time doctor who was financially responsible for the family.

When she turned 57, Margaret went back to university, graduating with a PhD in applied linguistics.

After finishing her studies, and the children had left home, she believed this was time to do something different, and decided to move to London.

"It became obvious that Peter and I had different goals for that stage in our lives. He wanted to stay in the family home, continue working, whereas I saw it as an opportunity."

She is now an Education Officer at the Royal College of Surgeons.

"I've got onto the career ladder when most people are thinking of retiring.

"Yes you can get a full time job at the age of 60 if you want. Yes, you can live in another country and do all of these exciting things, even move to a different continent."

But Margaret stresses it hasn't all been smooth sailing for the couple.

"On a personal level, the disadvantages are, for Peter, that he's still living in the same family home in Brisbane, and he doesn't socialise that well on his own, and he may feel a bit lonely there. And for me, the disadvantage is the lack of companionship; I don't have that."

She says the key to making it work has been talking regularly.

"I tell Peter everything about my life in London, my work, my new friends, my travels.

"It's given him another dimension in life, the same for me when he comes over to London, he loves it."

Woman's Hour listener Kerry, said she'd been with her partner for three years and they'd agreed at the start to never co-habit as a way to keep their "freedom and independence".

"We bought houses close to one another and have housemates to help with the mortgages."

They do eventually plan to marry and even then Kerry says she wouldn't change their living arrangements.

"It works incredibly well for both of us and feels like the strongest relationship either of us has had as a result."

Ammanda Major, Clinical Quality Director for Relate at Family Action, says that this arrangement is not for everyone, but for married couples set on living apart, it can have benefits.

"It provides some space, some place to go back to where you can maintain your own interests, maintain their own sense of identity."

"It can be a useful way of supporting people to feel that whilst I am married to you, I have my own space, I have my own interests, and that I come together with my spouse when that feels appropriate for us."

Advice provided by the Clinical Quality Director at Relate, a relationship counselling service.

Copyright 2025 BBC. All rights reserved. The BBC is not responsible for the content of external sites.?Read about our approach to external linking.